Marital Status Diversity in the Church: Theology in Action

Tony Caffey: Welcome back to Theology in Action. Levi Hightree here with Pastor Tony Caffey, uh Pastor, uh here at Verse By Verse Fellowship. How are you doing today?

Levi Hightree: Hey Tony, good to see you, man.

Tony Caffey: Yeah, you as well, you as well. So we've got a fun topic today. Well, I think we'll just dive right in. We're talking about marital diversity, I guess we could say, singles and married and how we can benefit one another and the different perspectives, maybe strengths and challenges of both sides. So maybe I'll let you open up on the topic if you want.

Tony Caffey: Yeah, this is good because even the two of us, we have different experiences even though we're around the same age. I'm a little older than you, two, I think two or three-year difference there. Yeah, and I've been married for 22 years to my wife and you know, we talk oftentimes about you know, the differences between the singles in our church, how, how we can minister to them. And I've often benefited as well as a married person from singles in my life. So ever since I was a single myself, I've had good single friends. I still have, uh, men primarily but also women as well, who have been friends for a long time, influenced Sonya and I both. And we've found a great benefit in, you know, attending church together and worshiping together even though we're in different worlds as as it relates to to our marital status. So and you know, there is that, we do have scripture, First Corinthians 7, that talks about the benefits of singleness and yeah, we could definitely, uh, you know, dialogue about the benefits of being married and how that helps us to fulfill you know, what Genesis talks about in terms of populating the world and yeah, um, the companionship that comes with that. Paul would talk about the benefits of singleness and the full dedication that he's able to give to the Lord. The Lord Jesus was single on Earth. Um, uh, Paul had at least a season in his life where he was dedicated strictly to the Lord. And even it's, and I'm curious kind of how you've processed this Levi, where Paul says it's better to be single. You know, if you are married, you're going to be focusing a lot of your attention and your time and energy on the spouse and it's better to just focus on the Lord. And boy, that's a strong statement that doesn't get preached a lot

Tony Caffey: From pulpits. But yeah, maybe you can just tell me what's, yeah, it's been the benefit in your life.

Levi Hightree: So, kind of a funny little story, and one of the first times you and I sat down and had a conversation, we were sitting having coffee and you asked, are you single? Have you ever been married? Are you married? I said, no, I'm single. One that was kind of your statement is, oh, awesome, you can, you have more time to focus on the Lord. And like, yeah, he's riding in the back of my mind. I was wrestling a little bit at the time, wrestling with my singleness. So there was in the back of my mind, I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can, but gosh, I wish I weren't single. So it, it was, it was a little, even in that, I, I laugh about it now and very briefly after was laughing about it, but there was a little bit of a challenge and the conviction in that of, you know, he's right. Uh, and the, there is a blessing and benefit in the time that I have available to myself and that I can give to the church. And there was a challenging conviction in that of, am I utilizing that time properly? I, I don't have what's the right word here? I don't want to say it in a negative way. I don't have any other, uh, things taking my priority or taking my focus away in a relationship or in family outside of siblings and nieces and nephews that I've, I've helped be a part of their life. I don't have that wife that biblically should take some level of priority. So yeah, I need to be focusing on, I should be focusing more on, Lord, what am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to be preparing for doing work in the future, uh, and doing work now for the church and being involved and being more involved? So there was even, even when you had mentioned that in in our first meeting, I knew it, but it was a reminder in a, uh, kind of a, a unintentional, I don't even know that you knew that you did it at all, but it was sort of a little bit of a challenge. It was a healthy challenge, I appreciate it. But absolutely, that's, I think that and just to reiterate, I think there is a, there is a blessing and I think my perspective shift was needing to understand that, yeah, it can be frustrating and when we can talk about this as well, I think that there is biblically, it does talk about the gift of singleness. Uh, I don't think I specifIfically have that. I've been single most my 30 years on this, on Earth. I don't specifically think that I have that gift. So it has come with challenges and trials for myself, but there's also blessing in it and the fact that I can serve the church more and with more focus and more passion in a sense and energy, uh, and blessings and things to look forward to in the Kingdom because I have that opportunity. And so it just there was a perspective shift that I needed in that as well.

Tony Caffey: And it definitely when I moved from single to married, you could feel even emotionally the the changes that took place in that. So more time, more attention, more, uh, of my heart being given over to my spouse. It's just like Paul says in First Corinthians seven, and it, it's not a bad thing, it's just a thing. It's a part of part of your heart, part of your attention, part of your time and energy is going to be spent on spouse. And then you add kids to the mix. You know, I have one son, but you know, for those who have two, three, four, five kids, I mean, that's a lot of attention. Kids are demanding and, uh, you know, the benefit of that is you're able to invest in the next generation, train up a child in the way you should go. And that's, uh, been a wonderful blessing as well. But it, it is different than somebody who, who is single and doesn't have to prioritize. And it's tough. I mean, I know enough married men, especially at church, uh, men and women both who, you know, finding priorities and and scheduling their time and, you know, uh, finding the right way to to make the Lord first in their life and then family and then church and then work and balancing that. That's probably the number one struggle of most married folks. So let me ask you this, so you're single, but, uh, your best friend's married, yeah? And you have other friends that are married. How do you go about encouraging them and then participating in their life? How does that relationship dynamic work?

Levi Hightree: Yeah, so it's, uh, I, I call it a unique dynamic in the aspect that that a lot of my really close friends, uh, and I'll probably point to off camera here because one of my best friends is is running this right now. Just some behind the scenes information for y'all, uh, it's unique dynamic in the fact that there is a big close, new, close-knit

Tony Caffey: Group of people.

Levi Hightree: Family, friends that hang out at least once a week with one another, singles, married alike in that group.

Tony Caffey: And it's, and you're part of that group?

Levi Hightree: I am. I am part of that group. I'm, I'm with them quite often. I honestly, I consider them family. And I, I think they believe the same, uh, about me. I wanted the emergency contacts for kids, things like that. Uh, the there is a healthy trade-off and a healthy, uh, perspective imbalance in getting to hang out with one another and seeing that. And I, I see, uh, they helped me one, and they know where, one, just being close friends, they know my heart, they know where I'm at. Uh, they know my challenges, know my challenges in having been single, been single for so long, where my heart is. And even just just a part of a challenge of being single is I, if me personally, if I get too idle, which I stay busy partially because of this, if I get too idle, I can kind of get lost in my thoughts and get a little depressed and focused on, okay, I'm in this house by myself, I don't want to be. And having those friends that I can go to and spend time with is, is even just in that, is is a phenomenal blessing God has given me. Uh, seeing the healthy Christian relationships between, uh, man and wife, between family, between granddad and grandkid, between all these dynamics, and seeing that sees, is encouraging. And seeing there are people out there that are doing it the right way. It is encouraging. And seeing the example they're setting and the example that I can set and learn from, even if they're not saying, you see, Levi, this is how it's done. But just being in the mix and and seeing it happen, uh, and it's, it's, it's a blessing. It's a very close-knit group. And I, I don't know that I can speak specifically on what I offered them being single. I absolutely help, uh, with their kids and in any way I can, and and spending time with them. And seeing this, there is a little bit of a challenge in making sure that I try to understand their side and knowing, you know, they have a family and that family does need to be prioritized and not interjecting per se, but being a part of that group in the family as well.

Tony Caffey: You know, that's so good. And that's my hope for the church as well. You started by talking about the marital diversity in the church and I, I love diversity in the church. And I want us here at Verse By Verse to have, you know, good, you know, uh, racial diversity and and socioeconomic diversity and then also age demographics at different stages of life. Part of the thing that we can celebrate at the church is that marital diversity that we, we, at Verse By Verse, we do have marriage and we have singles and we're all, you know, running hard after the Lord. And we can encourage one another in that. And, uh, there's unique perspectives, I think, that a married person can give a single person and vice versa. And I want to leverage that for the benefit of our discipleship. I have a good friend who's single, we've been friends for 20 plus years. And I did once kind of a half-hearted romantic gesture for my wife. And, um, and he's been single his whole life and he, he rebuked me. Yeah. He said, Tony, you can do better than that. Come on now. You need to cherish your wife as Christ loves the church. So, you know, my good friend, a single man, was coaching me up. Yeah, yeah, on how to to better cherish the wife that God had given me. And I really appreciate it. That was valuable. And I think there's, you know, one of the things that I like in terms of small group dynamic, and I appreciated what you said about your your kind of close-knit group, is just the opportunity we might have to walk in another person's shoes. So I, I haven't been single for 22 years, but to spend time with their my single friends and know, you know, what their struggles are, how I can pray for them, to remember not to, and we got to be careful with this, not to romanticize being single for married or to romanticize being married if we're single. Paul is pretty strong against that. To stay in the station of life that you are and find contentment wherever that is. And you know, if you have an opportunity to get married, want to pursue it, go for it. But don't, don't, you know, glamorize whatever environment you're currently not in. But there is, there is a way in which I think we can benefit from one another, empathize or at least sympathize with one another, uh, because married people have certain struggles, single people have certain struggles. And to know as Brothers and Sisters in Christ what those struggles are and how we can help each other is incredibly beneficial.

Levi Hightree: Yeah, absolutely. You touched on something of not romanticizing and I agree completely. I think, and I think you'll agree, you can elaborate on it. Uh, I think our culture does enough of that. And I, I see an interesting transition at least in the American culture of having romanticized growing up in the early twenties, the picture was, by 24, you're done with college, you've got a career, you're getting married, you're having kids. Like, well, I was 24, single, didn't have a job or, I had, excuse me, I had a job, but didn't know where I was going career-wise. I didn't know anything. So I thought I was so far behind eight ball. I was panicking a little bit and like, well, am I failing at this thing called life? What's going on? And it's, it's kind of those cultural sets of thing that these imaginary things and you, you hit it on the head, I think of being content and happy and focused with where you are and always looking forward, always looking to that direction. But I do also see an interesting shift in our culture of, uh, romanticizing being single almost in a kind of a more immoral way, really, it seems like.

Tony Caffey: But that's a good observation. More Americans are single now than married. Yeah, which I think that's the first time in American history that that's ever been the case. So you're adding not just those who are single later into their twenties and thirties, but also yeah, the the divorced, uh, in our culture. And you know, that's, that's pretty interesting that, you know, you meet 10 people on the street, more of them are going to be single than married. It's the first time in American history that it's like that. It's probably even more so in an urban environment like San Antonio where we have more singles and more people marrying later in life. Yeah. And I, I think I'll go back to what I said earlier about, you know, there's benefits, pros and cons, challenges in in each of those categories. And even as a married person, there's the kids are young, kids are teenagers, empty nests. Like you have different challenges, yeah, and stages that you're going through as a married person. So, um, I, I think it's important at every stage, what whatever stage you're in, to find your contentment, find your identity in Christ Jesus, not in your marriage or not in your singleness or not in our kids that can be problematic certainly for a lot of Christians or in what you might say that the American dream of being 25 years old with you know, a good paying job and a picket fence in a nice house. Um, no, we've got to find our identity in the Lord. We've got to find our contentment wherever God has us and and um you know, God has also given us the church and the relationships that we have here to to help us in that. So what is that the old adage? I think you've joked around and said if you don't know who quoted it say Spurgeon so I'll just say Spurgeon said it even though he absolutely didn't. The grass is always greener. Yeah, I'm sure there's some kind of scriptural backing there. But you know, it's it does come down to focusing on your own grass and watering it where it's at and getting it.

Levi Hightree: The grass is green wherever you water it.

Tony Caffey: Exactly, exactly how the other expression goes. I will say this, you and I are going on a mission trip here in just a few months. And I correct me if I'm wrong, but most of the people on that trip are single as far as I know.

Levi Hightree: More than half, absolutely.

Tony Caffey: I hadn't thought about that. But yes. So I mean that's just a perfect, uh, you know, illustration of First Corinthians seven. Yeah, you know, because not all married people with kids are able to go on a mission trip for a week, yeah, or two weeks. It's a challenge for me, uh, as a pastor, but but for those who are single, they have a greater opportunity to do something like that. And that it's, it's funny you say that because that was actually one of the promptings that I recognize of, okay, Lord, I'm going on the mission trip, uh, because had you asked, I was mentor meeting with my mentor, uh, last week and we were joking about it. I said, hadn't, uh, everybody says it, I think, but had you asked me a year and a half ago, do you see yourself going overseas on missions? I didn't.

Levi Hightree: I don't hear you.

Tony Caffey: Exactly. And this is my second, uh, second trip and I'm, I'm all about it. I'm all in. But I recognized I've got the availability and I've got the ability and I recognize the calling and the responsibility. So yeah, Lord, excuse me. And yeah, well, let's do this. Just as we close, tell me as a single person, the number one way that I and married folk could encourage you. And then we'll we'll do the opposite direction as well.

Levi Hightree: Yeah, uh, man, let me thank you for half a second. You know, I think that for me personally, it's maybe it's a backward, my own backwards thinking in a sense is not necessarily focusing on the difference. And you know, I, I love talking about it. Yeah, yeah, it's, you know, I, I've always been blessed and I've talked with some of my single friends who have been single for a long period of time and always been blessed with the conversation of Levi, you're such an awesome guy. Why aren't you married yet? You know, I know this person, I know this girl. And and it's, it's humbling, I appreciate it, I love it, but it also it stings just a little bit because it's a, yeah, it's a reminder of still single. So no blind dates, yeah, you know, to it a little bit over time and you really try not to. But it reminding, I, I love diversity. I absolutely appreciate the diversity. But also remembering that we're all human, they were all imperfect seeking after God and in this together and not creating this these differences and kind of putting me in this box. And if I don't think you're seeing me as, oh, the single guy, Levi, awesome. I love that. Yeah, yeah.

Tony Caffey: I would say, you know, some of the single friends that I've had, the way in which they have loved my son and invested in him has meant a lot to me. And um, I've seen great value in his life and and seeing those those men and women that are single that are my sister's single, my older, I got a sister. And so um, you know, that means a lot to me as the dad and having good Christian influences from other directions and and affirming that and and not uh from a place of you know uh or why are these married people always talking about their kids kids kids kids I you could I guess get cynical about that. But when you're a married person, you're trying to raise kids especially you have multiple children that that's such a such a dominating factor in your life. So maybe being patient with marriage is they uh work through that especially at a young stage of life when they're trying to figure out parenting would be a good way for a single person to love and encourage a married person.

Levi Hightree: Yeah, and if I could and again, maybe it's personal experience, I'm sure I'm not alone, uh maybe not all sing single uh deal with this as much, but if I could come for at that, uh, what you talked about from the other angle. There was a challenge in myself of having frames that had kids and had the relationship of, well, I'm single of, I, I don't want to feel like I'm getting too involved or step on their toes or try to help encourage their kids and get involved in their kids life because I'm not married and I don't have that perspective. It's a wrong perspective. There's, there's a healthy balance. There's a line you shouldn't cross and there's conversations and communications with parents and with people involved that I think should be in place that there's an understanding, uh, with my friends and I of what level of correction should I be able to be involved with your kids? Should I do this or am I just going to hand this off to you? There's conversations there, but get involved. I think it's healthy and I think it's incurrent for me as a single person and personally, I've worked with kids and youth for over 18 years. It that encourages me and that kind of lights a fire and me and motivates me as well.

Tony Caffey: Yeah, the church is a beautiful thing where we gather from different backgrounds. And we have even those who've been through a divorce who can be here and and be encouraged by other believers. So man, I, I just love that about the church. I, I, I don't like, uh, you know, monocultural, everybody looks the same and is in the same stage. That's boring. Yeah.

Levi Hightree: Homogeneity is boring.

Tony Caffey: We want diversity within the church body. And that that can make things enjoyable as well as a church environment. Good. Okay, that is all the time we have today. Thank you, Pastor Tony for your time. If you're interested in any of Verse By Verse Fellowship's content, we do have a website where we have all that at messiahbible.org. We also just did a Theology in Action video on discipleship. If you're interested in that, check it out. Until next time, have a great day.